Thursday, December 22, 2011


here are some snippets of what I've been writing a few months ago, they are not finished but it shows you a glimpse of my world, and my mind.


Monday, December 19, 2011

Because of you

I have been more alone than ever ever since I met you. You are no good to me. You make my heart ache without you even knowing it. You are dumb. You do not see what I need. You say a lot of words but who knows what they are for. You make me wait, yearn and cry for you, but who sees that? Nobody knows you. All the things I worry about, thinking I'm not good enough for you. Fearing that I may not be right for you. Thinking maybe it's not your fault after all. What the fuck for? Do I make you a better person than you are? I am making silly perfect pictures of you in my head, aren't I? I just don't ever see fault in you. It is always for something else. You are never wrong. You will keep on saying you're sorry and that you love me but you will never show it. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. These are empty words you give me for every inch of love I have given you. I really thought I could love you, or maybe I already do. The things I do for you that you will never really see. I wait for you on the sidelines, waiting for you just to appear. So you come and then you go. You have your fun while I wait. I'll watch you play. You are out there with all those out of my circle. I will never fit in your world. We are so different. Where you are the boy who does not need me. I feel like my world has already been narrowed down to you and you only. There is nothing more to me than the inches of my skin devoured and spat out by you. I just wish I wasn't so. I wished every part of my body did not yearn for you, I wished my heart would continue beating without acknowledging your existence. You are no good to me, you know that? All that I've ever done for you, what could you have given me back? All there ever was, was nothing.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

we met like the tragedy of a car crash. head on. picture the dark and two racing hearts that crashed into each other. face to face. lips to lips. the moment we met there was no mistaking. through doubt, confusion and fear, there was passion, mystery and nasty thoughts. I am so afraid of you. where dirt is your history and all the girls you've touched are worth no nothing. up till now I thought I knew love. because to play a love game is to play with fire. for a heart that's been burnt could course through so many scars to face itself with yours. I long for nothing but to feel the insides of your mouth, to feel your tongue fighting against mine, consuming each other. does it feel the same, for you?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

shots of me {sepang}

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


blood bonding
making out in the dark
getting drunk
sharing smoke
love bites

the things I will do for your hands on me
make a lie make it rain

and if we could stay here forever
watching the cars pass by
and tangle my arms with yours

I wish I were in love with you
we are such strangers
so, so wrong
but it was right

your fingers on my waist,
your tongue intertwined with mine
you consume me

innocence is overrated
I. Want. You.

Friday, November 11, 2011


9th November: Pavilion. Fahrenheit 88. With Yumi.
11th November: I love you.
12th November: Hair dye with Yumi. Liese Milk Tea Brown.
13th November: Sepang visit.
15th November: Ice-skating with classmates. And hopefully shisha with N & C.
16th November: I want you.
17th November: I adore you.
21st November: Flash mob 2.0
23nd to 25th November: Sepang Gold Coast with SR1SCB

Sunday, November 6, 2011

this love will be your downfall

but what do we know
when love is overrated
and passion burning away far too fast
I love you
I loathe you
I don't want you
I need you
Please come back

this is me in all my hidden depths

Thursday, October 27, 2011

a little holiday in school

exchange with Japanese friends from Yamato Nishi Senior High School, Kanagawa. Meet Rina (left).

A token of appreciation from Japanese friends.

Our way of eating Mcdonald Hotcakes!

Snowflake. We're the first customers that morning to try the new product! Though it wasn't as good as expected :/

Learning how to make sushi at Sushi King.

Before entering the four seasons factory ♥

Current season: AUTUMN

It wasn't an awesome trip, but we did have fun because we had each other's company :)

and I also got a new pair of kicks :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

desk days
I am going to take a picture of my desk everyday for the next month or so. It seems like an interesting project, sort of. Kind of like how people take a picture of their faces every day for a whole year. It is a good project of course, I wish I had taken more pictures in these past few years. I bet I have changed a lot.

Looking back at old photos, I wished I was someone in the past. There are so many stories that I have forgotten in these pictures, how I wish I remember what I used to be like. If only I can conjure these fractures of who I was, and relight them into my here and now. I used to be someone I actually liked.

Now I'm nothing. My face shows me nothing but a shadow of a past that I have forgotten. I am caged in what I am not familiar of, and it is washing away the essence of the very original me that seems to have walked away.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

holiday in school

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

things to do now that exams are finally over

1. Print out photos of this year, make a scrap book
2. Free Hug Movement 2.0
3. Fucking lose weight so I don't embarrass myself coming beach holiday
4. Read more books (current: American Psycho)
5. Make the best of the school year with classmates

Saturday, October 1, 2011

spared life

Exams in two days. Wish me luck. 

I can't believe it. A year until I'm doing my O levels and then maybe I'll be able to leave this shit hole.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

what's it to you

我拥有过你 那不是谎言 也许曾经拥有 是某种莫名的幸福 或许我们不再会有拥抱 亲吻 就算每天看着你和另个她 过着你们幸福的日子 我也不想忘记我们那个时光 分开后 想念就是犯贱吗? 为什么 我从来没想过要分开 难道我真的是傻瓜? 我为你哭过的 都是傻瓜的眼泪吗? 现在的你活在哪个世界 我真的不想知道 不过心里的隐痛 是抵挡不住 我很爱过 我知道 爱的是多 可是痛的更多 真的很痛 到现在也是 为什么就是放不开你?

Friday, September 23, 2011


Take me to heaven and keep me there
I am so scared that all hell has fallen loose
and I am the devil's child
but so much will not be right
when I am not the heart of light
I can only be a wanderer
that stays here

Stuck in my body
Much too human
I didn't want to be a myth
Nor a monster


Sunday, September 18, 2011

I don't know what's wrong with me

My body is reacting very weirdly to my ongoing depression. I feel as if I am sick but I am not. I am crying in days and nights for no reason or for everything. My head hurts and I feel like I'll pass out if I stand up too fast. The people around me has walked ahead and left me here. I am stuck with my own body clock, and it is not ticking. I am in a vacuum of sadness as if I were dead in a state I could no longer alter. Recovery is unnecessary because I am not really sick, but then not entirely healthy. There are a thousand words I wish to express within but I am so small, oh what little I know to describe how I feel.

Excerpt: 15th September 2011 (22:18:01)
I feel like my heart will overflow, with words I cannot speak. For I am a coward, the lack of bravery to confess in my heart a million secrets, locked ten feet under with a swallowed key.

Still sick

Went to see my doctor last week, diagnosed with sinusitis. Came back with a week's worth of antibiotics and ended up with another sore throat. It just feels like I'm never gonna recover. I'm just gonna be sick and sick and sick until I die.

Monday, July 11, 2011


Have moved myself back to Blogspot, we'll see how it goes xx

Friday, July 1, 2011

Blinded by stars

I've had a very fruitful week! I have went to Mid Valley five times over the span of these two weeks, and have spent way too much for food and clothing. I am indeed enjoying myself a tad too much. I'll have to cut down on my going out, I'm in dire need to prepare some money. I want to go clubbing, it'll definitely be a new experience for me.

These days I feel nothing for my gluttony sin. I just eat, and purge. And it continues sans guilt. I feel so numb about it. It's like a daily routine, but then I feel awful for awhile because I don't want bad teeth and chipmunk cheeks. And I don't want tonsillitis. Even though half my heart likes the thought of being hospitalized again, sleeping in bed and not giving a care.

Some days I really need to appreciate more.

Next week's goals: Go for math tuition more, spend less, cut down on going out after school, exercise.

Monday, June 27, 2011

I am through and it's all because of you

I went to see my doctor a few days back for a medial checkup. He looked at the insides of my throat and nose and confirmed I was okay, even though I have been purging non-stop for the past week that I was discharged. I was utterly disappointed at myself of course. He recommended that I have my tonsils removed, I think I'll do that.

I have been shopping this past weekend, it's been heavenly satisfying :) I bought these really cute knickers at Topshop and I'm loving the floral prints to bits.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

For the girl who said she was going to take care of herself

Well, I suppose it was a stepping stone. I've been discharged from the hospital (I had tonsillitis). I am both glad and upset. I'm glad because the experience made me realize a lot of things and upset because I just wished I had another night there to clear myself up. But I have exams and I really need to jack back into real life and start cramming. Oh how I wish I could have rested more.

Right now I feel healthier, though I am quite sure I would pollute my body again without the control and restrictions of the hospital (with my diet). I will try my best, I suppose.

Greetings to all.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

goodbye lover

I play no part in mending the strings of your heart
the fractured nerves that connects your mind to mine
down to the sensitive ends of your fingers, your hair, your nose

I sing you lullabies you no longer need
because I have forgotten you are an insomniac
I want to hold you but what can I do
if you will never see me as I was

'things will never be as it was'
and I wonder then
why you and I
have become so fragile

so close your eyes
because I love the way your eyes twinkle at ease
when you are above the dreams of me and you
but what can I do
if you will never dream of us anymore

there are lights in this darkness
that I seem to see through
perhaps you have walked out of it alone
without me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Loving yourself is healthy

I'll start on that.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I am not an addict

but that does not mean I do not wish to feel your hair through my fingers
or your neck with my neck

your fingers like buried ice
or your touch like a spark against my thighs

that burning desire
that consumes me
does it not disturb you
as it does me?

why don't you stay
the way we did
that way
we could melt

fire to ice.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I will not

Tell you what I'll do.
I'll build walls and then break them,
run away for three days and come back with your name tattooed under my collarbones,
pour you droplets of my blood in a sandglass,
pierce safety pins into my ears,
write you a love song and burn it,
take your pills just to feel what it's like to be (you)

because I hate you
but I love you
and then so

Friday, February 18, 2011

Do you really love me

Flowers will wither
Dreams will die
And me, you
walls we build
will crumple and fall
perish within our hearts
set on fire by lies and mistrust
we will never be the same

I dream of past loves
You relive memories
of past lovers
I am but a wanderer
Coursing through broken glass and teardrops
Unseen by you
You in the arms of another lover