Friday, December 31, 2010


The fears of being left out. For my new found friends have left me for another class.
The realization that I should appreciate the people around me more, and found myself being able to be friendly to other people, too.
The deep madness within me, on my hot pursuit to thin skin and bones.
The hurt that is now a fainting scar, over a friend that will never come back.
The joys of puppy love.
Started on Sports Day. A boy that had McDonald pancakes with me, who walked me to 7-11 for canned coffee. A boy that I will remember forever. Thank you, I loved you.
Pulau Ketam trip.
Sports Day 2010.

Y's house, birthday party.

As love grows deeper, you realize it will hurt more and more.
Charity marathon.
Mid Valley outing with MT.

The pains of crying on your birthday, because of the loved one you miss. Detachment is painful.
July is nothing but a faded memory of purging, bingeing, crying, and my fear for my body.
And so it continues.
The lust over a boy who will never talk to me unless talked to. A silly love game between me and myself, was I too innocent to believe? The sudden closeness because of exams. And in the end you were only using me.
The joys and pains of exams. Final exams come and go.
Sunway Lagoon trip after final exams (JUEC).

The joys of sports and slacking in class. Simply the best times of schooling.

she is my new found confidante.

There are no words for this beautiful month. Where I found A. And also 7As for PMR.


In this year, I have learned that to love is a wonderful thing. But to be loved is a much more powerful feeling. And that friends can be earned through time. That people can trust me. But I can not. And that if you study hard enough, you do get results. And the importance of loving yourself for who you are, and to appreciate your body, it is vital. And I have learned that you can really do anything, as long as you have the belief in yourself.

Thank you to the people of 2010, for I have grown up a little more and changed, for the good and for the bad.

Goodbye, 2010!

Friday, December 10, 2010

the art of bones

to feel them around me is the safest sensation I have ever felt. if only there were only skin and bones, I would be able to let go.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Can't I?

'come here' he says, and so she does, climbing up to bed with him as he welcomes her in his soft embrace. they held each other like old lovers but they are nothing but mere strangers. he plays with her hair and plants soft kisses on her shoulder, up to her neck, then her hair. she laughs softly, a mellifluous tone that chimes the ears of her new found lover. 'what is that for?' she asks, and turns around to face him. 'can't I kiss you?' he looks at her intently. she could tell he is a little annoyed now, but she wraps the insurance around her skin like honey as she recollects the question. can't he kiss her? this is his ownership, she is his. she smiles and says nothing, then places her small lips gently over his.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

it is not me

and like the speed of meteor showers, I feel the infinite relapse as you come rushing into my veins. as if i have never tried, in this endless effort of mine I try to vindicate what was ours. it is neither in dreams or reality that I am safe, because you are a huntress that comes for me where. ever.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

but where are you

tell me where you are, for I sought the darkest of nights, swimming through memories I wish never kept, never happened. I wish this wasn't happening. That you are but a blunt memory, recurrently sharpened as a memory, a memory and a nightmare I no longer wish to know. I don't want to be your memory, I am not a memory.

for you are always in my dreams, as if you will haunt me forever. but I know this, I know you do not wish to haunt me, it is me that haunts myself. for you no longer wish to keep me, yet I refuse.

let go, my faint heart. I wish.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My heart is in winter

There are veins
Here, there
Blue, green
and there are black fingers
and cramps
all over
my hands

my lips are purple
kiss me
kiss me
kiss them
they want to be plum again

heart is frozen
if you could
touch it
then maybe
they will

warm up


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Written during depression

I look at her in her familiar veisalgia, the stench of alcohol mixed with bile stained her clothing, her eyes swollen and rimmed with a soft blush, there were mascara stains rimmed all over her lovely eyes. She looks like a fallen angel, she has cried again. Fallen.

She looks at me with yearning, and I reach to her, or rather, she has reached to me. At one a.m. in the morning, she is at my doorstep, shivering from the cold, her clothing thin. Something has happened, there is always something going on for her. She is always in some situation. I ask her what’s wrong, but she shakes her head in reply. I let her in.

This is almost a routine now.

She is Kaye, the girl I have loved for years, sought for but I could never have her. She loves me, she says, but she is not in love with me.

But I don’t mind. She trusts me, and she can always come home to me. I am her safety, she says. The warm home she can come back to once she is finished in her battlefield of love.

I let her sit in my reading chair as I warm up a glass of milk. She sits in the corner of the chair, her body curled into a protective ball around herself. I am afraid for her, what has happened out there?

There is no doubt she has been to a club, or perhaps she has been in an argument? I think of many possibilities as I pass her the warm glass. She gives me a thankful glance and sips on the milk. Even in her desperate and pained state, the demure she holds is definite. I observe her ruined make up, and her thin, pale arms, all bare and cold from the lack of clothing.

‘Do you want to take a shower?’ I ask carefully, as if she might break apart at any time.

Kaye is a woman of confidence, ennui, but she is another person whenever she sees me. She hides a world away. She is flirtatious but holds an air of cool, always an apple to a man’s eye. She has a petite form, but her face is mature and striking, deep-set, large topaz eyes holds a man’s gaze and never lets go.

But right now, the intense gaze is off, her eyes are tired from the crying. ‘Yes, please’ she says softly, huskily. She places the glass on my coffee table. ‘Do you still have my clothes here?’

Being in the situation she always is, I have kept a variety of sleeping clothes for her, clothes she can wear when she needs a rest, or somewhere to hide. She gets tired of impressing the world.

‘Yes, I’ll bring them to you, just go shower’ I turn on the heater and pick out a lavender coloured shirt and drawstring shorts from the armoire. Then I hand it over to her with a towel.

Kaye presses the towel and clothing to her chest and walks over to shower. I leave her to it. She might take a while, I thought, so I turn on the recorder and slowly, music flowed through the air. A soft melody floats in my surrounding, an unknown melody, a gift that came in form of CDs from Kaye. These are the lullabies that send her comfort. Which is why they are kept at my place, I thought with irony.

I pour myself another glass of red wine, Kaye in my musing, along with the soft music. I think of her as I have last seen her, which was a month ago, in the same weary state as she is in right now. She says it is a sickness, a sickness that follows her, haunts her every once a while, and she is helpless, no way to save herself but to destroy herself, destruction in the form of drugs and alcohol abuse. I hurt at the sight of her scars, be it physical or mental.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


This week was fast and boring! I went to Sunway with a friend yesterday, and went to visit the new mall in Subang today. Not much happened except I bought some workbooks, I do think it's time I start working. A month till my trials, and then the major papers!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Pancake day

We made pancakes today! I finally got the hang of flipping it at the right time. Pancake premix by Nippon, available at 100 Yen Shop.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

dear special

You are the stars in the dark,
glows softly as they kiss my face
makes me shiver yet seek comfort
though you are far away
you are with me
with me

You are the stars for her
she wants to hold your heart to her
breathe into your warmness
seek for you in the darkness
and I lie at night dreaming ten thousand dreams of
you me, her

Imagination, illusion floods our heart
as you circle us
entangle us in your allure
slowly, blindingly
we are all in your black hole
as you consume us deeply

Friday, July 9, 2010

China Town

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Hi, so you found me

Last day of exam tomorrow. I'm glad! Will be going out to town though I'm lying to my mum. Don't want to think about that. I told her to pick me up at a friend's place so she doesn't know. I'm evil. Well who cares 'cos it's no fun if I do everything the way it should be done. I'm generous to fucking up.

Well I'm not daft and KL's like dangerous but heck I've not been out with friends for awhile! Yumi wants us to go for some retail therapy but I'm actually saving up for a proper shopping spree, like I've got my eye on something from Cotton On. So I'll just let her go crazy and we'll be at the movies (Eclipse, by the way...*cough*) with Jeff our gay friend and KY some other guy I'm not so close with.

And WS wanted to hang out with me which was nice, though I didn't really go look for him, poor thing.

How's everyone's day? Given you are reading this, hurhur.

PS anyone seen these before? They taste good and basically I take them and starve the whole day.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Made for keeping

Writing is hard for me.